With This Ring, I'm Confused

Chapter One ; I've imagined my wedding dress since I was a little girl. It's an elegant shantung sheath with cap sleeves, a sweetheart neckline, and tiny seed pearls sewn on the cinched bodice . . . Seed pearls, hah! Now that I'm standing in the bridal boutique, something has snapped. Girlfriend, I want satin, yards and yards of it! I want sequins and crystals and a bum bow the size of Brazil, leg-o'-mutton sleeves, and a train that practically explodes onto the scene. I want something that screams, I'm the bride! lost in a snow flurry of white. Bring on winter, baby! Ashley Stockingdale is getting married! ;Okay, really I just want to tick off my future sister-in-law. Emily Novak, jobless in Atlanta, is here in Silicon Valley to make sure the wedding day runs smoothly. Granted, she has no experience in this field, but that doesn't seem to stop her at any junction. She is the expert in her own mind, and apparently, that should be good enough credentials for all of us. That, and the copy of the Wedding Planner by Martha Stewart is supposed to impress me. Three days I've been searching for the perfect Tussy Mussy. Until three days ago, I didn't even know what this silver piece of hardware was, but it is apparently quite important to "brides in the know" such as my Victorian ancestors and now me. It's a bouquet holder. As in, you hold it in your hands, and no one sees the design anyway. The first rule of good fashion is it should definitely be noticed. Am I right? ;I hear Emily clap her hands, and I feel myself cringe at her entrance. "No, no, no. Who brought this gown to you? It's completely wrong. Hideous! " She stretches the word to its full three syllables with more than a hint of Southern drawl. ;I swivel around. "It has a butt bow." ;She sighs extensively. I seem to make her sigh a lot. "Ashley," she says, as though someone has expired. "My brothah has a reputation in Atlanta. His bride will be splashed across every society page in Georgia. This simply will not do." ;"But I like it. It says, Baby got back. You know what I'm saying?" ;"I have no idea what you're sayin'. A Novak bride should be above reproach, and that means, at the very least, elegant style. Classic. Think Jacqueline Kennedy, Princess Diana, Jennifer Aniston." ;"Jennifer Aniston?" I ask, hearing that old Sesame Street song about how one of these things just doesn't belong. ;"The point is, Ashley, you want Keh-vin to gasp at the sight of you, to draw in his breath and never forget the moment. That dress is truly forgettable , but don't worry. I've got everything taken care of." ;I beg your pardon. This dress is anything but forgettable. Apparently my good hair days have not spoken for me to Emily. I have impeccable taste in clothing. I could easily be a stylist instead of a patent attorney, but Emily is so fun to mess with that I can't help myself. I want to try on the pink gowns, the blue ones, maybe even the golden, shimmery yellow one. I want Emily to imagine me as a satin Easter egg floating down the aisle, stealing her brother from good taste forever. Oh sure, you're thinking I'm immature, but I dare you to waste three days on a bouquet holder and tell me you'd feel any differently. I've had patent processes move quicker than this. ;She clings to that Martha Stewart ringed book like it will unlock all the secrets of humanity. She has it tucked inside a Coach leather folder, trying to make me think she comes up with all this brilliance herself, but the truth is she's a paint-by-number wedding planner and Martha holds the color code. ;The fact is,Billerbeck, Kristin is the author of 'With This Ring, I'm Confused', published 2005 under ISBN 9781595540331 and ISBN 1595540334.