Trauma-Proofing Your Kids

The bad news is that trauma is a fact of life. The good news is that so is resilience. Simply stated, resilience is the capacity we all possess to rebound from stress and feelings of fear, helplessness and overwhelm. The analogy sometimes given for resilience is that of a metal spring, such as a "Slinky." If you pull it apart, the coil naturally rebounds to its original size and shape. Of course, if you stretch this spring too many times (or exert too much force), it will eventually lose its elasticity. People (especially young people), however, need not lose their resilience through wear and tear. On the contrary, we have the capacity to actually build and increase our resilience as we encounter the stresses and strains of life. Resilient children tend to be courageous. This doesn't mean that they are attracted to dangerous situations, but rather that they areopenandcuriousas they explore their world with gusto and exuberance. And, in their explorations, they inevitably have their share of rumbles and tumbles, collisions and conflicts. When resilient kids meet these forces of nature, they are open rather than shut down. Openness, indeed, is the characteristic that most typifies resilient kids. They are open to other children and enjoy sharing with them. At the same time, they are able to set boundaries of their own personal space and their possessions. They are in touch with their feelings, expressing and communicating them in age-appropriate ways. And, most of all, when bad things happen, they have a wondrous capacity (when supported) to breeze through them. They are the happy, lively children we wish we were. Their biggest challenges occur from events that could be potentially traumatic. Let's delve into what types of life's circumstances might cause such overwhelming reactions in our kids. Trauma can result from events that are clearly extraordinary such as violence and molestation, but it can also result from everyday "ordinary" events. In fact, common occurrences such as accidents, falls, medical procedures and divorce can cause children to withdraw, lose confidence, or develop anxiety and phobias. Traumatized children may also display behavioral problems including aggression, hyperactivity and, as they grow older, addictions of various sorts. The good news is that with the guidance of attuned parents and other caregivers who are willing to learn the necessary skills, children at risk can be identified and spared from being scarred for life, regardless of how devastating the events might be or seem. Parents are, at times, conflicted between protecting their children and permitting them to take the risks that build confidence and competence. It's a tricky balancing act because as they master their world, children can also be traumatized when the unexpected inevitably happens. As much as you may try to "child-proof" your home, ultimately childrendriven by their curiositywill explore and get hurt. Thatishow they learn and theywillhave their share of falls, burns, electrical shocks, animal bites and other encounters with the non-forgiving forces of nature. No matter how hard we try, we cannot close our children off in an impenetrable (and inescapable) bubble of safety. Our children are frequently exposed topotentiallytraumatic events. But parents need not despair. It is possible to minimize the effects of the "ordinary" situations mentioned above, as well as those from extraordinary events such as natural and man-made disasters, including violence, war, terrorism and molestation. Are we being ridiculous by proposing that adults can "traumaproof" kids? We don't believe so.Remember, although pain can't be avoided . . . trauma is a fact of life . . . but so is resilience, the cLevine, Peter A. is the author of 'Trauma-Proofing Your Kids', published 2008 under ISBN 9781556436994 and ISBN 1556436998.