The Importance of Being Married

Chapter 1 Project: Marriage The product: Jessica Wild I'm a product now? Look, either we do this my way, or we don't do it at all. Fine. I'm a product. Whatever . . . Project mission: To rebrand product in order to make it irresistible to target audience, prompting target audience to declare its undying love for product and to propose marriage. Timescale: 50 days Target audience: Anthony Milton (product's boss and gorgeous-looking advertising world A-lister) Objectives for new brand: 1.To be attractive to Anthony Milton. 2.So attractive that he asks product out. 3.And then asks product to marry him. 4.Oh, and this all has to happen in 50 days. Including the wedding. 5.This is the most stupid project I've ever worked on. And the most lucrative. Remember, we're talking about 4m here. That's not to be sniffed at. I'm not sniffing. I'm just planning what I'm going to do when it all goes wrong. It won't go wrong. Easy for you to say. You're not the one who has to do any of this. Key features of product (positive): Um . . . Small waist. Nice legs. Bit too serious, sometimes. And seriously crap when it comes to men. Thanks. You're welcome. Barriers to rebrand/issues to tackle: 1.Target audience has so far shown no interest in product. 2.Product not remotely interested in target audience, either. The gorgeous Anthony Milton? Come on, you must be slightly interested. Not even a little bit. He's not my type. You have a type? You never go on dates. How can you have a type? I don't have a type; I just know who isn't my type. That'll be men in general, then . . . This is a bad idea. Maybe we should rethink . . . Oh no you don't. You agreed to do this. You can't back out now. Yes I can. No, you can't. Anyway, you don't have a choice in the matter. We've already gone over the alternatives and they don't exist. Thanks for the reminder. Strategies: -Could I delegate this? Hire a supermodel to marry Anthony instead? -Kind of defeats the point, doesn't it? Look, it's not that hard. You just need a haircut. Some new clothes. To learn to smile properly. And a bit of training in the art of seduction. -I like my clothes. And my smile. And I'm not interested in the art of seduction. -You will be when I've finished with you. -You're finishing with me? Is that a promise? My flatmate Helen screwed up her nose. "Why do I get the feeling you're not taking this entirely seriously?" "I have no idea," I said innocently. "Because I'm taking it very seriously indeed. In fact, I'm thinking about going to the library and researching marriage over the past two thousand years. You know, to glean top tips." Helen rolled her eyes. "Come on, Jess. This isn't a joke. Are we doing this or not?" I sighed. "Look, maybe we didn't think this through properly. I could just call the lawyer. Come clean. Apologize and then forget all about this ridiculous idea." "Is that what you want to do? Really?" Helen demanded. I went red and shook my head. There was no way I was calling up the lawyer and admitting the truth. It would be too awful, too humiliating. It just wasn't an option. Helen shrugged. "So then tell me exactly what you've got to lose, Jess. I mean it.Townley, Gemma is the author of 'The Importance of Being Married' with ISBN 9780345499806 and ISBN 0345499808.