The Department of Homeland Decency Rules and Regulations Manual

[SECTION I] Decency Begins in the Home Sound scientists who consult for DOHD have proven that it is just a short journey from an indecent, unkempt home to teen pregnancies, abortions, terrorists lurking in our shopping malls, atheists and liberals working hard to destroy Christmas, activist judges allowing OHFs to get married, and the end of life in the Homeland as we know it. To stop this, Homeland families must now meet certain Home and Yard Guidelines. These are simple to adapt to anyone's life. Those who have trouble--say, removing dandelions from their yards--will find that in the new, improved (i.e., decent) Homeland, their neighbors will not tolerate it and will report these indecencies to us. This can be avoided by learning the major Home and Yard Guidelines for Decency and following them to the letter. ARTICLE I: DECENCY TRUMPS PRIVACY (OR, YOUR HOUSE IS OUR HOUSE) The Heart of the Homeland is the home. Nowhere else is the need for decency in all things more crucial. Indeed, our march backwards to the future begins in the home. While DOHD believes a man's home is his castle, decency trumps privacy in all matters of the Homeland.5 DOHD has the keys to every castle, including yours. ARTICLE II: A PERFECT HOMELAND FAMILY In the home, Mommy and Daddy, along with their children, maintain a loving relationship that is based on hard work, discipline, and knowing one's place in the Homeland's grand and glorious scheme for decency. Daddy works hard and provides for the family. Mommy also works very hard, but in the home. It is her responsibility to wash, dust, mop, disinfect, pick up, hang up, create order and sterility throughout the home, and get pregnant often. She shops and cooks and has dinner on the table for Daddy when he returns home. She submits to her husband in the acceptable Homeland Way. (For specifics, see Section II, Article II: Doing "It" the Homeland Way.) The children are quiet, disciplined, and maintain a healthy fear of their parents.6 If the children are homeschooled by Mommy, they remain in the home until after school and homework is completed. After that, boys may go outside and engage in decent and wholesome war games. Little girls should remain indoors and play with dolls. ARTICLE III: PROPER NUTRITION BEGINS AT HOME Nutrition is Mommy's responsibility, so she must familiarize herself with what a growing family needs. Our great Homeland food industry is working hard to feed the Homeland with ever-more-nutritious, genetically modified meals enhanced with salt and sugar for great taste and preservatives to make them last. RED MEAT. Meat nurtured the pioneers in the Old West. Homelanders should honor this history by eating even more meat than the pioneers ever dreamed possible. Homeland meat is safe and good for us and the economy. Families that don't eat meat become weak and pale and unable to defend their country against the forces of indecency, which are often non-meat-eating terrorists. Vegetarianism is unacceptable in the Homeland. It places the Homeland at terrible risk. ORGANIC FOODS. Organic products tend to be expensive, small, bruised, sugar-free, and produced or manufactured without the aid of our Homeland fertilizer/insecticide/herbicide corporations. The Mommy who buys fresh fruits and vegetables exclusively is not taking advantage of the frozen and processed foods that Homeland manufacturers strive so hard to make uniform and attractive. Additionally, fresh organic food does not have a long shelf life and is therefore of no use to Homeland families during crises (e.g., blizzards, terrorist attacks on traditional marriage, activist judges' decisions). THE REFRIGERATOR. What you put on the outside of your refrigerator says as much about you as the inside. Grocery lists are wholesome. Doonesbury comic strips are not. ARTICLE IV: A PERFECT EXTERIOR [read more]