Tender Heart Conquering Your Insecurity

Chapter 1: Insecurity Perhaps you know someone who reacted severely -- to the point where it struck you as irrational or pathological -- to the loss of a relationship. Perhaps you know someone who gets deeply depressed or feels unnecessarily betrayed in response to the slightest criticism. Maybe you yourself tend to react this way. Then again, maybe you are one of those people whose heart gets broken more often than seems fair, or who is drawn to exactly the wrong kind of person -- one who is insensitive and inevitably hurts you.The intense reactions associated with a dysfunctional response to loss, rejection, or criticism are the result ofinsecurity.Insecurity may mean different things to different people. In general, though, whenever I ask people for their impressions, they typically associate insecurity with someone who is constantly second-guessing himself, whose feelings are easily hurt, and who seeks continual reassurance. These commonsense definitions accurately capture the essence of insecurity.In this book the wordinsecurityhas a particular meaning, and a particular cause. Insecurity refers to a profound sense of self-doubt -- a deep feeling of uncertainty about our basic worth and our place in the world. Insecurity is associated with chronic self-consciousness, along with a chronic lack of confidence in ourselves and anxiety about our relationships. The insecure man or woman lives in constant fear of rejection and a deep uncertainty about whether his or her own feelings and desires are legitimate. In men as well as women, insecurity comes from a combination of a sensitive disposition and experiences of loss, abuse, rejection, or neglect. However, while insecurity has the same causes in men and women, outwardly men and women usually express insecurity in different ways.The insecure person also harbors unrealistic expectations about love and relationships. These expectations, for themselves and for others, are often unconscious. The insecure person creates a situation in which being disappointed and hurt in relationships is almost inevitable. Ironically, although insecure people are easily and frequently hurt, they are usually unaware of how they are unwitting accomplices in creating their own misery.Although the two can be related, insecurity isnotthe same as sensitivity. It's entirely possible, in other words, to be sensitive but not insecure. In fact, one goal of this book is to give parents guidance in how to foster sensitivity in their children without creating insecurity. Another goal is to help insecure people shed their insecurity without sacrificing their sensitivity. We'll be looking much closer at what kinds of experiences tend to make an interpersonally sensitive person vulnerable to becoming insecure, what kind of experiences can make insecurity worse, and what kinds of experiences can help to heal it.HOW INSECURE AM I?This is a question that most people would like an answer to. Since most of us can relate to the idea of being insecure sometimes, the bigger issue is just how much insecurity is an issue in our lives. You can begin to find the answer by assessing your own level of insecurity (or that of someone you love) as it is right now. To do this, complete the following questionnaire by checking off all statements that describe you (or your loved one).Insecurity Inventory___I often worry about my relationship.___I do not like being in the spotlight socially.___I often feel that others don't take me seriously.___I am an exceptionally jealous person.___I'm forever thinking that others are smarter, more attractive, or more interesting than me.___I worry that my partner is going to leave me for someone else.___I would describe myself as very self-conscious.___I've been told that I'm thin-skinned, overly sensitive.___I often seek other people's approval, even if I don't particularly respect them.___Nowinski, Joseph is the author of 'Tender Heart Conquering Your Insecurity', published 2001 under ISBN 9780684871677 and ISBN 068487167X.