She's Out of Control

Chapter One ;How do I? ; By Ashley Wilkes Stockingdale ;How do I avoid commitment: Let me count the ways. ; I love thee to the depth except when buying jewelry is involved. ; I love thee in the daylight, ; as long as my place of residence is not invaded by night. ; (Nor any semblance of your grooming materials.) ; I love thee freely, except when the guys are watching. ; I love thee with all the passion of an engineer. ; With my old girlfriends, I avoided the moment of Truth, ; But with you, dear Ashley, I may not escape my fate. ; And if God so choose, may I go to the Altar with strength-as Isaac did. ;A ;I swear this is how some men view marriage, like they're being laid out on the wood of the great Altar, ready to be sacrificed, and just praying the ram will arrive in time. I, Ashley Wilkes Stockingdale, have been dating Seth Greenwood for nine months. And while God can form a new human being in that same time frame, getting an adult male to the jewelry store is an entirely different kettle of fish. ;I have a theory on commitment, and being a patent attorney, I'm considering getting the lock on it. I've always wanted to write a book where I state the incredibly obvious and people flock to the bookstore as though I am some psychological genius. Kind of like Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus. Here's my first attempt: ;Steps Towards Getting a Male to Commit. ;First, you must conquer "Whiplash." Whiplash is when your boyfriend thinks every woman in the vicinity might be potentially better for him. This involves several quick neck sprains while he looks until he eventually come to the conclusion that no, there's a reason he picked you. Allow about six months for this stage. ;Then you enter the "Accommodation" phase. This is where Boyfriend discovers that, yes, you are the best one for him at the moment, but maybe God is calling him to a life of foreign mission work instead. He probably can't take you along on his great and deeply sacrificial ministry, so he accommodates you with the theory that some big life change will happen and let him off the hook. Two months for this stage. ;You have now entered "Jeopardy." Now Boyfriend must fish or cut bait, and the real pressure begins. You watch him writhe like a trout on a hook, knowing you have the power to release him, but is that the best thing? As you watch the struggle, you begin to wonder, Do I even want to get married enough to strip this guy of his . . . his, heck, I don't know what I'm stripping him of, but it must be important if it's worth all this squirming. ;So as it stands, Seth and I are in the Jeopardy phase. He's afraid to be alone with me, afraid I might pressure him to ask "the" question. The romance is gone. Only fear remains, and what's the fun of that? I've almost forgotten why we started dating in the first place. I remember knowing, at the time, that it was God's will for my life. Now I know it was probably God's will because I had some great life lesson to learn. I hope it's learned by now. I don't want to go through this again. ;My best friend Brea is reading my first attempt at poetry now, How Do I . . . ? Brea is married. She adopted a baby and poof! she has another one in her tummy. Being Brea's best friend is truly impossible because she lives a charmed life. It's like little fairies drop rose petals alongside each of her steps. ;Brea looks up at me from my poem. "What are you planning to do with this . . . this poetry, and I use the term loosely?" Brea waves the papeBillerbeck, Kristin is the author of 'She's Out of Control', published 2004 under ISBN 9780849944598 and ISBN 0849944597.