Reclaim Your Power! A 30-Day Guide to Hope, Healing, and Inspiration for Men of Color

INTRODUCTION I remember walking to work at MTV Networks from the train station. I heard a big booming voice asking, "What are you doing?" It startled me at first because I had heard the voice before. Spirit was speaking, and it was serious because it was a booming voice, not subtle as I had perceived it before. I replied to Spirit, "What do you mean, what am I doing?" At this point, tears started to flood my eyes. I knew I had been running from what Spirit was guiding me to do. That was in the year 2000. I am used to the voice of Spirit because I had been hearing it since I was a child. I remember Spirit speaking to me when my aunt took me to church every Sunday. It was there that I had found my solitude and time to talk directly with God about what was happening and going on in my life. I had learned how to be still, to listen and be obedient to the voice of Spirit. I went away to college in Nashville, because I wanted to get away from my family. I wanted to escape my past of pain, hurt, anger, and bitterness. After graduation from college, I just ran, ran, and ran. I got so far from home that I had little to no contact with anyone from my family. I did this on purpose because I was angry with my familyI literally despised my mother. My mother was a heroin addict. She used drugs heavily. Everyone in the family knew of her addiction, yet no one stepped in to help her seek professional help. We just learned to deal with it. My mother's heavy drug use resulted in her becoming a prostitute to support her drug habit. Imagine being a young boy growing up seeing your mother being dropped off by various men in different cars. Imagine watching your mother going into the bathroom and not coming out for two or three hours, obviously high on some drug. Imagine being in a car with your friends and driving out of the way to avoid certain neighborhoods and streets because you were afraid they would see your mother on the corner picking up "johns" for a trick. I was so upset and angry that I was not born to what I considered a "normal" family. I was bitter because all my friends appeared to have normal families, with mothers who took them to the park, took them out to dinner, or attended their high school or college graduations. I went to college because I swore I would not let my life end up like so many others I had known. I definitely did not want to end up like my mother. I fought like hell to buck the system to work in my favor. I worked hard in school and, just when I thought all was well, I got the call that my mother was sick. She had developed the AIDS virus from sharing drug needles. When I got this call, I was shocked and startled. It had such a grip on me. I knew I was going to lose my mother. As it was close to Christmas break from school, I decided to go home immediately once the break started. I went home and spent many days with my mother. We talked so much that it was actually refreshing to let my guard of anger and bitterness down. As the trip came to an end, I packed my bags and began preparations for my return to school. As I was leaving and walking out the door, my mother called to me. I stopped at the door, turned to hear her voice and, for the first time in my life, my mother gently said, "I love you." I replied back, "I love you, too," and walked out the door, crying uncontrollably. I knew it would be the last time I would see her alive. I was able to return to school and graduate because I knew that was what my mother would have wanted. After graduation I got an internship with CNN in Washington, D.C.; I did not want to return home to Detroit because I was still angry with my family for not helping my mother and constantly shuffling my sister and brothers, who were younger, from family toDean, Terrance is the author of 'Reclaim Your Power! A 30-Day Guide to Hope, Healing, and Inspiration for Men of Color', published 2003 under ISBN 9780812967784 and ISBN 081296778X.