Parent Survival Guide Positive Solutions to 41 Common Kid Problems

Chapter 1Accepting ConsequencesThe case of the broken record. Whenever Mr. or Mrs. Wagner told Andrew, ten, that he had earned a negative consequence, Andrew would launch into a routine of arguing and complaining that could have earned him an Emmy. Even though the Wagners would talk with Andrew and explain why he had earned the consequence, tempers eventually would rise, leading to a shouting match. Sometimes Andrew''s mom and dad would forget what the original consequence was in the first place and be too worn out to enforce it anyway. Mrs. Wagner, especially, couldn''t shake the feeling that Andrew was getting the best of her.Why Does This Happen?This is unfair! Sometimes a child will think that a consequence is unfair. Occasionally, he may be right. He may be getting into trouble for something his brother or sister did. Or an angry parent may give consequences that are overly punitive compared to the child''s misbehavior.While claiming that "This is unfair!" can also be used as a reaction against a justly deserved and reasonable negative consequence, older children tend to develop a pretty good barometer of what is fair and what is not. If your child honestly thinks that a consequence is unfair and does not know that he can talk to you about it at a later time, arguing may be the result.Rewarding negative behavior may play a role in keeping your child from accepting his consequences. Remember that being given a negative consequence is an unpleasant experience for a child. If the inappropriate behaviors (for instance, whining, arguing, or shouting) are effective in delaying or (heaven help you) getting rid of the negative consequence, then those behaviors will be almost guaranteed to happen the next time you give a negative consequence.Well-intentioned discussions can come at the wrong time. Many parents will talk with their children after the misbehavior in order to help them learn a lesson from the experience. It is a great idea to discuss the problem situation with your child in order to help him understand the relationship between his behavior and the negative consequences and to identify how he could have handled the situation differently. However, timing is everything. Having this type of discussion immediately after the negative behavior gives the child extra attention (which is a reward!) at exactly the wrong time and may inadvertently reward the negative behavior. On top of that, both you and your child are probably frustrated or angry immediately after his misbehavior, and your discussion will be more productive once everyone has had a chance to cool off.What Can I Do?Refuse to argue. If you don''t want it to happen, don''t do it. As long as you listen to your child''s arguing, he will think that he still has a chance to make some headway and will argue even harder. When negative consequences are given, the only behavior that should be rewarded is appropriately accepting the consequence. Anything else, such as arguing, shouting, and so on, should never be rewarded. Once you have given the negative consequence, you should leave the area. It is harder to argue with you if you aren''t there.If you have given your child a consequence to be carried out at a later time, such as going to bed early, and he starts arguing, whining, or throwing a tantrum, just turn around and walk away. If your child becomes a "nomadic arguer," one that follows you from place to place, simply offer him a choice between stopping his arguing or going immediately to Time-Out.Talk about it later. When you give a negative consequence, matter-of-factly tell your child why he is receiving the consequence and then administer it immediately. As a general rule, discuss your child''s behavior and any lessons that can be learned from it after the negative consequence has been completed. This way, your child can experience a negative consequence immediately after his misbehavior, which will help him to learn that his misbehavior wasn''t such a hot idea.Talking abCartmell, Todd is the author of 'Parent Survival Guide Positive Solutions to 41 Common Kid Problems' with ISBN 9780310236542 and ISBN 0310236541.