My Answer Is No . . . If That's Okay With You How Women Can Say No and Still Feel Good About It

chapter one women's ways of NOing (introduction) NO is a very simple word. One syllable. Two letters. A complete sentence. NO is one of the shortest words in the English language, yet one of the most difficult for women to say. We hear "NO!" in our heads while our mouths are saying "YES," "Sure," "I'd be glad to," "Of course I will," or "I wouldn't miss it for the world!" It's often easier to agree than to just say NO. Saying NO for women can be a genuine struggle because of our deeply rooted need for connection. To be considerate without jeopardizing our well-being or livelihood, and assertive without losing the relationships we value -- these are two of life's most compelling challenges. Sometimes, out of a desire to be helpful or charitable, we choose to say YES even when it's difficult. At other times, we discover that we're too concerned about being liked, loved, or respected to be able to say NO. If we muster the courage to speak up, we tend to be cautious: "my answer is NO...if that's okay with you." This book grew out of my realization that women's reluctance to say NO comes from traits that we should value -- empathy, sensitivity, thoughtfulness, and compassion -- rather than suppress, as we are often advised to do when saying NO. These traits are necessary elements of human connection and preservation. When I think back over my own life, I find that the paths I took to NO, however circuitous, often helped me grow. Like most women, I have sometimes held on too long to relationships that I knew I'd be better off without. But I would never trade a guillotine-style NO for what I learned through my unwillingness to let go. The idea for this book emerged one morning when I was having breakfast with TV journalist and surgeon Nancy Snyderman, who told me about a former employee who had repeatedly asked for special favors. "First she asked for time off to get a haircut," Nancy said. "Then she needed to run errands." Even though the employee took advantage of Nancy's generosity, Nancy tried to accommodate these requests. Why? The employee was a single mom, and Nancy empathized with her situation. I could certainly relate. I'd been despairing over a research collaboration that had gone sour. A colleague who'd volunteered to help with a major project had missed deadlines and dropped the ball on numerous occasions, always with a mile-long list of excuses -- health problems, dying relatives, car accidents, and the like. I couldn't think of a way to get tough without feeling like a completely insensitive jerk. As a surgeon, Nancy is accustomed to making decisions with authority and conviction. Assertiveness is mandatory in life-and-death situations. My psychiatric specialty involves teaching patients about boundaries and limits. Role-playing how to say NO is a routine part of my clinical work. So, after thirty years in practice, I should be able to say NO when I need to, right? Wrong. When I'm not with patients, I'm often reluctant to use the NO word because -- well, frankly -- I don't like to disappoint people. Is this a serious shortcoming? Many assertiveness training books say it is. I disagree. For most women the prospect of being less sensitive to the needs of others isn't appealing, even though attending to others' needs can result in personal sacrifice or hardship. We'd rather weigh the pros and cons of helping out, and struggle to find the best way to take care of ourselves as well as the many others who are dependent on us. That's how women's brains are wired: we have an aptitude for compassion and connection. Why, then, do we get down on ourselves for not being more assertive? How can we avoid criticizing ourselves when we are bombarded with the message that there's something terribly wrong with the way we say NO? "Listen to your own needs," we're told. "Put yourself first." "Stop being a people pleaser." "Quit worrying about everyone else." ThiGartrell, Nanette is the author of 'My Answer Is No . . . If That's Okay With You How Women Can Say No and Still Feel Good About It', published 2008 under ISBN 9781416546931 and ISBN 1416546936.