Life You've Always Wanted: Spiritual Disciplines for Ordinary People - John Ortberg - Paperback - REV

"We Shall Morph Indeed"The Hope of TransformationNow, with God''s help, I shall become myself.SØREN KIERKEGAARDI could not quiet that pearly ache in my heart that I diagnosed as the cry of home.PAT CONROYI am disappointed with myself. I am disappointed not so much with particular things I have done as with aspects of who I have become. I have a nagging sense that all is not as it should be.Some of this disappointment is trivial. I wouldn''t have minded getting a more muscular physique. I can''t do basic home repairs. So far I haven''t shown much financial wizardry.Some of this disappointment is neurotic. Sometimes I am too concerned about what others think of me, even people I don''t know. Some of this disappointment, I know, is worse than trivial; it is simply the sour fruit of self-absorption. I attend a high school reunion and can''t choke back the desire to stand out by looking more attractive or having achieved more impressive accomplishments than my classmates. I speak to someone with whom I want to be charming, and my words come out awkward and pedestrian. I am disappointed in my ordinariness. I want to be, in the words of Garrison Keillor, named "Sun-God, King of America, Idol of Millions, Bringer of Fire, The Great Haji, Thun-Dar the Boy Giant."But some of this disappointment in myself runs deeper. When I look in on my children as they sleep at night, I think of the kind of father I want to be. I want to create moments of magic, I want them to remember laughing until the tears flow, I want to read to them and make the books come alive so they love to read, I want to have slow, sweet talks with them as they''re getting ready to close their eyes, I want to sing them awake in the morning. I want to chase fireflies with them, teach them to play tennis, have food fights, and hold them and pray for them in a way that makes them feel cherished.I look in on them as they sleep at night, and I remember how the day really went: I remember how they were trapped in a fight over checkers and I walked out of the room because I didn''t want to spend the energy needed to teach them how to resolve conflict. I remember how my daughter spilled cherry punch at dinner and I yelled at her about being careful as if she''d revealed some deep character flaw; I yelled at her even though I spill things all the time and no one yells at me; I yelled at her-to tell the truth-simply because I''m big and she''s little and I can get away with it. And then I saw that look of hurt and confusion in her eyes, and I knew there was a tiny wound on her heart that I had put there, and I wished I could have taken those sixty seconds back. I remember how at night I didn''t have slow, sweet talks, but merely rushed the children to bed so I could have more time to myself. I''m disappointed.And it''s not just my life as a father. I am disappointed also for my life as a husband, friend, neighbor, and human being in general. I think of the day I was born, when I carried the gift of promise, the gift given to all babies. I think of that little baby and what might have been: the ways I might have developed mind and body and spirit, the thoughts I might have had, the joy I might have created.I am disappointed that I still love God so little and sin so much. I always had the idea as a child that adults were pretty much the people they wanted to be. Yet the truth is, I am embarrassingly sinful. I am capable of dismaying amounts of jealousy if someone succeeds more visibly than I do. I am disappointed at my capacity to be small and petty. I cannot pray for very long without my mind drifting into a fantasy of angry revenge over some past slight I thought I had long since forgiven or some grandiose fantasy of achievement. I can convince people I''m busy and productive and yet waste large amounts of time watching television.These are just some of the disappointments. I have other ones, darker ones, that I''m not ready to commit to paper. The truth is, even to write these words is a little mOrtberg, John is the author of 'Life You've Always Wanted: Spiritual Disciplines for Ordinary People - John Ortberg - Paperback - REV' with ISBN 9780310250746 and ISBN 0310250749.