If I Were a Man, I'd Marry Me

Jockey Strap Love My girlfriend is dating a younger man. Let me clarify that. Actually, she's dating an embryo. I have jeans older than this boy. This afternoon we met for lunch, and I can't say it went that well. Through the whole meal I couldn't decide whether to rip his shirt off or cut his chicken into bite-size pieces. I will admit, sitting there next to her baby beau, Kat looks great. It's as though she's found the fountain of youth. Or at least a twenty-ounce returnable bottle. "Isn't she bold?" the kid says as he watches Kat walk across the restaurant to the ladies' room. I look up from my penne pasta to see who in the world he's talking about. Kat's a good friend and I love her like a sister, but I can't say bold is an adjective that immediately comes to mind. Italic, maybe, but not bold. "See, the thing about older women is," he says, "they are just so-ooo together. I mean, like, they know what they want and they go for it." Suddenly a choir of angels bursts into the Hallelujah Chorus and tears well up in my eyes. I have been blessed with a vision. I'm not getting older. I'm getting more together. "And . . ." the kid adds, his mouth full, "they pick up the check." Why a woman would date a younger guy is a mystery to me. Intellectually, I realize age doesn't have anything to do with anything. I know fifty-year-old women who have twenty-year-old bodies, and forty-year-old women who are dumb as squash. But let's face it, boys do not drop out of the womb gracious creatures. If you fall in love with a younger guy, it's like trying to have a relationship with a jock strap. There's just no give, and expansion is totally out of the question. So I ask my cousin to explain it to me. She's a psychologist. She knows about these things. "Either it's a classic case of a woman's pathetic attempt to regain the lost exhilaration of youth," Cuz says analytically. "Or she's got the hots for young studs." Guys are like dogs. You wish you could take them all home when they're puppies. But after they've howled all night and slobbered all over everything, you come to realize that the ones who are already trained are much easier to live with. I will admit there is something about a young guy that causes the heart to flutter. But for me, it is mostly those rare moments when the man he might become manages to flicker through. It takes time and experience for a boy to ripen into a man of quiet character. I'll take sophistication and wisdom over youth any day of the week. Give me the man who knows what he wants and goes for it. And of course, one who can pick up the check.Wallace, Paula S. is the author of 'If I Were a Man, I'd Marry Me' with ISBN 9780345434968 and ISBN 034543496X.