Humor for a Woman's Heart Stories, Quips, And Quotes to Lift the Heart

The Cheez Doodle Principle 1 Nancy Kennedy Recently, I estimated that I've packed 2,179 school lunches. That's something like 1,084 peanut butter and jellysandwiches, 829 tuna, 45 egg salad, 143 bologna and 78 unidentified. Only 1,822of those were actually eaten by my children. Of the 2,179 carefully packed pieces of fruit I've lovinglyincluded for balanced nutrition, I'd say most, if not all, are now compost atthe bottom of some landfill. Add the thousands of carrot sticks, dozens ofcherry tomatoes and scores of cheese chunks that go directly from lunch box totrash can, and I have 2,179 reasons to sleep in. The only foods I'm certain get eaten are thefactory-packaged, artificially colored and flavored, chemical infested, sugar-and fat-laden goodies that I warn the lunch-box carrier not to eat until afterthe healthy stuff is gone (which kids define as wadded up, smashed beyondrecognition and soaked with milk before being thrown away.) That leaves me to conclude that if you are what you eat, thenmy children are Cheez Doodles and Ho-Ho's.I have other options in the Lunch Box Game. I could stay in bed, forget aboutpacking lunches, and look like the Joan Crawford of all mothers-or pack whatthey do eat-namely, junk food. That might win points with my kids, but wordwould leak out and I'd become the dreaded "other kids' mom," as in, "Other kids'moms pack candy bars and fried pies in their lunch boxes." I could make them eat cafeteria food, but as I've been dulytold, "Cafeteria food is garooosss." Case closed.That leaves packing the lunch box. As a veteran packer, I've observed several Lunch-Box Laws andPrinciples:The Law of Negative Consumption. Simply stated, expensive sandwich fillings suchas roast beef or honey-glazed ham never get eaten. Out-of-season fruit gets satupon on the bus. The last bagel that you secretly coveted but gave to your childgets immediately drenched in red Hawaiian Punch. The Law of Unbearable Temptation. This occurs whenever achild is confronted with a food having a higher playwithability factor thaneatability factor. These include raisins, which get arranged barricade-stylethen flicked across the tab≤ bananas, which are used as guns and/ornonreturnable boomerangs; and marshmallows, which occasionally get eaten, butonly after the child stuffs them all into his cheeks at once. The Law of Leakability. This law states that even if you wrapyour child's field-trip permission slip/report card/school picture carefully intriple plastic bags before putting it inside his lunch box, his leak-prooffactory-sealed boxed drink will leak, destroying everything in its wake. The Law of "Oh, No!" Under this law, soda in a thermosexplodes, Jell-O melts and mustard permanently attaches itself to whiteclothing. The Principle of "Go Figure." Ziploc bags neither zip norlock when in a child's possession. Metal spoons and expensive plastic containersnever come home, but disposable plastic spoons and Cool Whip containers do. Thesame kid who won't eat a broken potato chip at home will smash a bag of chipsinto chip dust-then eat it with a spoon. Go Figure. There is a bright side. Even if my children never eat thethousands of lunches I pack for them during their school careers, my efforts arenot in vain. Colossians 3:23?24 reminds me: "Whatever you do, work at it withall your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that youwill receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward." There's also an end in sight-my last child graduates nextyear. Until then, I'll just take things one day at a timMyers, Kristen is the author of 'Humor for a Woman's Heart Stories, Quips, And Quotes to Lift the Heart', published 2001 under ISBN 9781416533498 and ISBN 1416533494.