How to Really Stink at Golf

Chapter 1 Pregame Rituals Like anything worthwhile in life, a bad round of golf needs a solid foundation. If you're a drinker, a hangover and two hours of sleep is a good place to start. If you don't drink, there are other things you can do to lay down a good foundation for a bad round of golf. Like eating at a Mexican restaurant that's received a score of 58 from the board of health. This will add not only discomfort but also a sense of urgency to your round. And it opens the door to creating a story that your buddies will tell for years to come. Don't Warm Up Try to get to the golf course right at your tee time. This way you can avoid the hassle of warming up. My theory is that you're only going to hit five good shots in the course of the day, so why waste one on the driving range? Isn't it better to start playing right away, rather than embarrassing yourself in front of yet more people? Of course it is. And whatever you do, don't stretch. You might pull something. How to Screw Up a Great Drive It's one of the greatest feelings in the world. People are watching. The pressure's on. And you smack a drive straight and long down the middle of the fairway. Now: Time to screw it up! As you walk to your ball, keep telling yourself, "Don't screw up your drive." If you're already talking to yourself on the second shot of the day, it's a bad sign. And that's good. And since the next shot is such an important one, you're going to want to see where it goes right away. So as you swing through the ball, lift your head. Hey, you may even hear yourself scream, "I lifted my head!" as your ball sails dead left with the arc of a banana. Congratulations, my friend: You've set the table for another horrible round of golf. The Golf Cart Try to pick a cart that looks like it's been through a war. Because with your game, it's sure to have to go off-road at some point. If it barely has enough juice to make it up the first hill, whatever you do, don't turn around and exchange it for a better cart. This would not only eliminate stress from your day, it would rob you of a primo excuse for your crappy round later on. Trees When you wind up in the trees (and you will), DO NOT PLAY IT SAFE! That's what the trees want you to do. They want you to look bad. Don't let them win. If you've sliced the ball into a forest but can still see an inch of daylight through some branches fifty yards away, GO FOR IT! If Tiger Woods can make this shot one time in a thousand, why can't you? Remember, many a scorecard adventure has begun with the words "Hand me my two-iron, I'm going to try to blast it out of here." Don't punch the ball onto the fairway until you've tried every possible way out. If your buddies aren't hiding behind a cart, you haven't tried hard enough. If you wimp out here, you'll never know the glory of what might have been! Avoid Fun In the mysterious world of golf there are evil forces at work that will keep you from having a bad round. And one of the most powerful of these is "having fun." Avoid fun. Fun is for children. And otters. This is serious. Why? . . . I don't know. But it is. It just is. FUN = RELAXED = LOW SCORES . . . and that's something we want to avoid. Playing Partners It has been said that in golf you're not playing against anybody else, you're playing against the course. Baloney! That kind of silly thinking eliminates way too much stress. You are playing against everyone iHartt, Brian is the author of 'How to Really Stink at Golf', published 2008 under ISBN 9780345502780 and ISBN 0345502787.