How to Negotiate With Kids Even If You Think You Shouldn't 7 Essential Skills to End Conflict and Bring More Joy into Your Family

Chapter OneYour Conflict StyleThe parents in my Negotiating with Children workshops come loaded with questions: "How can I get my daughter to take a bath? . . . How can I get my son to bed without a fight? . . . How can I get out of the grocery store without two arguments and a candy bar?" Parents come looking for ways to make their lives easier and their relationships stronger and for answers to problems with behavior and discipline. Even those with "easy" children come looking for better ways to deal with their differences. Most of all, they come with stories-sometimes funny, sometimes sad, and usually familiar. Here are a few samples. Five-year-old Lucas and his mother struggle over everything from play dates to baths. Dinnertime can be especially frustrating. lucas: "I hate beans. I can't eat them." mother: "You need to eat three bites." lucas (grimacing and whining): "I can't eat three bites. I'll throw up." mother: "That's fine. Just eat three bites." lucas (a minute later): "There, I'm done." mother: "You're not done. You didn't eat three bites." lucas (almost bursting with denial): "I did too! They were small." mother: "That won't do it." lucas: "All right, three beans. I already ate one." mother: "I said three bites." lucas: "That is three bites. They're big." mother: "They're beans." lucas: "If I eat three beans, how many M&M's can I have?" mother: "I don't know." lucas: "Twenty?" mother: "No, you haven't eaten enough." lucas: "I ate all my applesauce and all my bread!" mother: "All right, ten M&M's." lucas: "Fifteen." mother: "I said ten." lucas: "If I finish my milk, can I have fifteen?" mother: "OK, but you have to bring your plate to the kitchen." Nine-year-old Sadie has become much more particular about what she wears. Mornings ring with wails of "Where's my blue shirt?" and slamming drawers. sadie's father: "Sadie, put your shoes on for school." sadie: "I'm wearing my sandals." father: "Sadie, it's snowing." sadie: "I don't care." father: "Sadie, don't be stubborn. You can't wear sandals." sadie (exploding): "I'm NOT STUBBORN!" father: "Your toes will freeze." sadie: "So? They're my toes!" father: "Sadie, put on your shoes." sadie: "I hate my shoes." father: "What's wrong with your shoes?" sadie: "I hate them." father: "Just like that? You hate them? You just bought them a month ago." sadie: "So? They're ugly." father: "Look, Sadie, it's snowing. You have to wear your shoes." sadie (erupting): "Then I won't go to school!" father: "Sadie, stop it! You have to go to school." sadie: "Then I won't wear my shoes." father: "Fine. I don't care what you wear!" Twelve-year-old Jenna and her parents are struggling to handle her mood swings and growing independence. Even simple comments turn into arguments. jenna (getting up from the dinner table): "I'm going to Ali's." mother: "Wait a minute. You're not excused." jenna (rolling her eyes and loudly thumping her plate back onto the table): "May I be excused?" father: "You haven't said anything about what happened in school today." jenna (slumping in her chair with exaggerated indifference): "Nothing happened." mother: "Anything new at practice?" jenna (staring at the table): "No. Can I go now?" mother: "What are you doing at Ali's?" jenna: "Jeez, what is this, the Inquisition?" father: "Hey, we just want to know what you're doing." jenna: "I don't ask what you're doing when you go out, do I?" mother: "OK, go! Be back by nine, and take the trash out when you go." jenna: "Why do I have to do the trash all the time? Why can't Alex do it?" father: "Jenna, that's enough! If you want toBrown, Scott is the author of 'How to Negotiate With Kids Even If You Think You Shouldn't 7 Essential Skills to End Conflict and Bring More Joy into Your Family' with ISBN 9780670031825 and ISBN 0670031828.