How to Feel Manly in a Minivan The Desperate Dad's Survival Guide

Preconceived Notions What to Expect Before She's Expecting Greetings from your future! I'm speaking to you now from that curious, often stupefying state commonly known as fatherhood. While I can hardly remember what my everyday life was like before the babyfor example, I've no idea how I occupied myself during the many hours every day that are now taken up with baby-related activitiesI can clearly recall that I found the prospect of fatherhood intimidating as hell. But sitting here now, having been through it all and feeling reasonably comfortable and confident as a father, I'm reminded of a quote from the movie The Man Who Wasn't There: While you're in the maze, you go through it willy-nilly, turning where you think you have to turn, banging into the dead ends, one thing after another. But you get some distance on it, and all those twists and turns . . . why, they're the shape of your life. As you embark upon your great adventure toward fatherhood, marked most notably by what is in all likelihood your very first experience with meaningful sex (see "How to Have Sex for Procreation"), remember that while you may just be a rat in a maze with no clue where you are, sooner or later, one way or another, you'll reach the cheese. Happy trails. How to Abandon Your Entire Existence Everything changes. Proverb of Fatherhood (ORIGIN twentieth century American: disgruntled dads) Most guys aren't big on change. Given the choice, they'd probably prefer a full body wax to changing even one insignificant part of their lives. The prospect of everything changing sends many guys off to a quiet place and, ironically, the fetal position. Fatherhood, of course, represents just such a comprehensive transformation. They say that ignorance is bliss, but for a reasonably content guy facing the unknown perils of fatherhood, ignorance is terrifying. He imagines a future awash in dirty diapers, sleepless nights, and soul-crushing responsibilities, all leading eventually to the sweet release of senility. It's a pretty bleak picture indeed, and one that most guys can't imagine themselves surviving with any sense of dignity. But face it, your life is always changing, and you've always adjusted. Remember when you first left for college? That was a pretty significant shift in your life, and at the time I'll bet you felt really out of sorts (at least I hope you did, and you weren't one of those cool kids who adjusted instantly and started bedding coeds before Parents' Weekend. Not that I'm jealous.). But you adjusted, and after a while you couldn't imagine going back to your old life. Of course, having a kid isn't exactly like heading off to college, except for the all-nighters, the vomiting, and the general bewilderment. Becoming a father is probably the most dramatic, instantaneous change in a man's life since he himself was born. It's a thoroughly transformative experience, like his wedding day, his first sexual experience, and his first trip to a Panamanian brothel all rolled into one. And every time someone tells you that "everything changes," you assume that the statement is filled with regret, and that all fathers wish they could go back to the days before it all changed. It's the belief that you will soon find yourself hopelessly nostalgic for what once was, regardless of how delusional that desire may be, that prompts so many men to fear the prospect of everything changing. [read more]