High-impact Infidelity Diet A Novel

BRIN It's very simple, Martin. It really is. But before I explain it, I want to point out that I just watched you sit on the porch eating an entire bag of Nutter Butters. Do you know how much fat there is in one serving of Nutter Butters? Do you know how many Nutter Butters there are in a serving? I don't either. I'm sure it's somewhere around "lots and lots." But that doesn't really matter. Well, it does matter, but it doesn't. The specifics don't matter. Well, they matter because they build up and they . . . Let me start again. Because this is sounding like I'm nagging you and I don't want to nag you. Actually, I want to stop nagging you. That's what this is all about. It's just going to take five minutes. Ten, tops. Listen. All you have to do is listen. Sit down and listen. It's not about trying. It's not about wanting to. You just have to lose weight. That's the fact here. You. Have. To. I know: I told you this last year. Hell, I told you this every year we've been married. Remember the tux? I'm not going to bring it up again but you remember the tux. My mother mentioned the tux just last week. I told her not to bring it up. She brought it up. It's an embarrassing story no matter who brings it up. But I don't want to embarrass you. This is not about that. I love you. I do. You know that. So here's the deal. Take a look at this. I know. It's from college. She went to my school. I'm not going to tell you her name. Pretty, isn't she? Well, she's even hotter now. I mean it. We're talking a very, very attractive woman. And she's your type. I know what type you like. When we were in Barbados I watched which women caught your attention. I know what you like. And she's it. She could be in Hollywood. She wanted to be but, well, she made some mistakes. I don't have to tell you her whole story. She's very happy now, though. And she makes good money. Here's why I'm showing you this picture and why I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you: If anyone can keep you away from the Nutter Butters, it's somebody like her. Don't say it. I know I'm attractive enough. I'm not putting myself down. I think I'm just fine for thirty-four and after two kids--okay, so they were from your first marriage--still, I've got nothing to apologize for. Plus you make me feel pretty. I do appreciate that. Just shut up and listen. This isn't about me. It's about you. The guy I love. And the guy I want to have around for a good long time. And it's about her. My friend from college. We met in film studies. Analyzing the male hierarchical gaze in American cinema. That sort of thing. Kind of ironic, actually, that she'd . . . well, I'm getting ahead of myself. I know this is all confusing. I'm trying to tell you. Okay, here's how it's going to be. Remember when we talked about free passes? You told me that, if the circumstances arose, I could spend the night with Christian Slater and if you had the opportunity, you could spend the night with Marie Osmond--you remember. We talked about it on the drive to Florida. It was late. We were getting silly. You tried to talk me into Donny. A surprising choice, Marie was, but that's why there's chocolate and vanilla. Of course, with Marie we're talking super double vanilla. Still, if that's what you want, that's cool. It's your free pass. Your free, boring, Mormon pass. I know, I shouldn't judge. It's not your fault you're a little bit country. Sorry, back to the point. I was thinking about it last week--not about the Osmonds, about the whole free pass thing. Our conversation on that drive kind of implied that there are certain cases--cases when it doesn't negatively impact our marriage--where it would be an okay thingHarry, Lou is the author of 'High-impact Infidelity Diet A Novel' with ISBN 9781400098453 and ISBN 1400098459.