Heat

Crystal "I'm sick of making breakfast for my vibrator!" I screamed into the phone to Noah, who was laughing his ass off in his flat in London. "Stop laughing, Noah. It's not funny." "I know, I'm sorry, baby. I wish I could help you out, but you know I've been off the coochie for some time now." He snickered. "Whatever," I said through a yawn. "I gotta go, babe. We'll talk again next week, okay?" "Okay." "Love you." "Love you too," I said, and hung up the phone. Stretching myself out onto my couch, I began to evaluate my situation. Maybe the fact that it's been a long time since I've had a real live man in my bed is what has put me in such a funky mood to begin with. Maybe it's not just the absence of sexmaybe I'm depressed? I've thought about that. Even ventured so far as to speak to a couple of associates who make it no secret that they pop Xanax as often as Geneva pops M&M's. They tell me I don't have the symptoms of depression. They say, "Maybe you're just dissatisfied with your life?" How could I be? I'm a director at a very successful nonprofit organization. I pull in a sixfigure income, I own beautiful apartment overlooking Central Park, and I have a very hefty 401(k). And let's not forget good health, friends, and family. I have everything a girl could wantexcept a man. Well, I sort of have a manwell, a parttime lover really...in Antigua no less. But I want...I need my very own man. Up until this moment I haven't wanted to admit that to myself, but true is true and sometimes the truth is a hard fact to face. I guess I didn't want to own up to it because I didn't want to fall into the category of "Only Feels Complete with a Man." I think this Strong Black Woman complex hurts a lot of us strong black women. We're supposed to be these alpha females with power jobs that allow us to buy ourselves our own power toys. Have you noticed the number of women who own cars now? And I read that black women own more real estate than black men. Those women, the strong black ones, proclaim that they don't need a man for anything, don't even need their dicks. Those they can buy online in any size, shape, and color. I should know: I have two dildos and a vibrator shaped like a ladybug. I may seem like one of those womenthe strong black womenmy trappings may suggest that I am, but truth be told, I'm not. I may not be verbalizing that I need a man, but shit, in my heart I'm screaming that I do. A dildo can't hold you, embrace you after sex, or take you on romantic walks along moonkissed beaches. It can't propose marriage, and, worst of all, it can't give you children. So if not wanting any of those things, or not needing any of those things, is what makes a strong black woman, then a strong black woman I'm not. Over the past year I've put my heart into finding that special someone. I did the speeddating thing and just walked away with a dry mouth and stiff jaws from smiling too much. I even went the online route and actually thought I'd stumbled onto a "possible" when I met Ben. Benjamin Knight was a tall brownskinned man with curly sandycolored hair and hazel eyes. A pharmacist by trade, heHolliday, Geneva is the author of 'Heat ', published 2007 under ISBN 9780767921169 and ISBN 076792116X.