Do You Love Me or Am I Just Paranoid? The Serial Monogamist's Guide to Love

Wash, Rinse, Repeat: Serial Monogamy for Beginners sLove comes in all shapes and sizes. For some, it takes the form of a rhombus. For others, it appears in the shape of a comely goat or a total dick. But whatever its contours, we have all been conditioned over the years to believe that love must eventually assume the venerable marriage shape in order to best advertise its successful conclusion to others. And throughout the years, this notion has been brutally enforced by The New York Times' "Vows" section.* And yet, popular as matrimony has become in recent years, interest in the lives of attractive single peopleespecially single people under forty who can pass for thirty, thirty-five, max; but never, ever the sad, fat kindhas become ever more prurient and frothy. Suddenly, the notion that single life is an uninterrupted orgy of indulgent "me-time"if you can afford the right clothes and lots of beaded throw pillows and expensive toiletriesis being just as rigorously enforced as the idea that marriage is a never-ending love story. Dozens of publications are dedicated to tracking the spotty romantic careers of our most renowned and illustrious serial monoga- *Personally, I am a big fan of the "Vows" section, as I am always interested to learn what the bride does for a living or where the groom's stepmother resides. I, for one, can't get enough of the meet-cute stories and the tasteful mention of prestigious alma maters. In fairness, the paper of record might consider a section celebrating unions of a more tentative kind. A "Shacking Up" section might be nice. mists, but rarely will yet another Julia Roberts relationship meltdown inspire People magazine to run her photo with a headline that reads "Single and Hating It!" Why? Because if magazines and television shows are to be believed, being single and female is like a long, drunken day at Disneyland. And in the magic shoe kingdom, you don't walk the least bit funny in four-inch heels. No wonder you feel bad. You are not technically married. You are not technically single. You have been leaping from one long, sincere, "committed" relationship to another like an overstimulated squirrel monkey. Sure, you have gone on datesthey just happen to have lasted three to five years. That's because, traditionally, you have started to worry about never finding love again within about twenty-four hours of the demise of your last relationship. Paradoxically, you have always found love again within twenty-four hours of starting to worrya pattern you will likely repeat until undesirability sets in. Are you a complete pudwhacker? Or are you onto something? While you may have other, perfectly good reasons to feel bad about yourself, don't let this one in particular get you down. No matter how culturally invalidated you may feel, there is nothing wrong with you, your tepid decisions, or your ambivalent approach to love and commitment. Think of it this way: it is quite possible that you have unconsciously devised a clever way to live the life of a married person and a single person simultaneously without cheating, lying, or developing a set of discrete personalities, each with its own hobbies and dietary restrictions. Why tie the knot, when you can simply leave the rope slung casually over your throat? Why be single on a Saturday night, when you can be single, and therefore trendy, on the dotted line? If noth- ing else, the experience of barreling through a series of committed relationships has probably made you the wiser and stronger beneficiary of an impressive collection of boxer shorts. And while these boxer shorts have probably come at an emotional price much higher than $16.99, the wisdom, the memoriChocano, Carina is the author of 'Do You Love Me or Am I Just Paranoid? The Serial Monogamist's Guide to Love', published 2003 under ISBN 9780812992144 and ISBN 0812992148.