Diary of a Mad Bride

PREFACE june 26th My best friend, Mandy, is getting married, and no one is suffering more than my secretary, Kate. Kate "I'm an administrative assistant. Not a security guard." Me "And I appreciate everything you do for me. Didn't I get you that gift certificate from Saks last Christmas?" Kate "Macy's." Don't be fooled. The Macy's in Manhattan is really nice. It's their FLAGSHIP store. She was just angling for sympathy. Me "Whatever you say. But I can't talk to Mandy right now. Just take a message." Kate "I already did that. Six times." Me "What'd she say?" Kate "Urgent Call me." Me "It's a bluff. Tell her I'm in a meeting." Kate "That's what I said the first time she called." Me "I'm in the ladies' room." Kate "Used it twice. Once more and we'll be saying urinary tract infection." Me "Hey, that's a.." Kate "Forget it. I have my pride." Me "All right. Put her through. But if I'm not off the phone in three minutes call my other line." Kate "You know, this wasn't in my job description." Technically an argument could be made against this comment. One of the nice things about working for a big corporation like Hind Publications is the way the employment contracts use broad, undefined terms such as "general support, , thus leading the way for grand abuses of power like the one you're seeing here. Kate struts out of my office. I wish I could go with her. Instead I pick up the phone. Me "Hi, Mandy. What's going on?" Mandy "Just the usual bridal nightmares." Me "What nightmares? You found the guy. He found you. In just three months it'll be eternal bliss" Mandy "Three months and two days." Me "Like I said . . . Now relax and enjoy yourself." Mandy "Oh, you couldn't possibly understand, Amy. You've never been married." Me "Then why'd you call me?" Mandy "What?" Me "Never mind. Just tell your spinster friend what's ailing you." Mandy "You're mocking me. Don't mock me." Me "I'm not mocking you." I was totally mocking her. Suddenly there's loud sniffling on the other end of the phone. Me "Don't cry, Mandy. Everything's going to be okay." That's right. Throw me a huge party, buy me an expensive dress, make me the center of attention, and to top it all off, shower me with gifts of my choosing, and I'll cry too. Mandy "I'm just so tired. Today the florist called to say that her original quote on Holland tulips was under by fifteen-point-seven-eight percent." MeWolf, Laura is the author of 'Diary of a Mad Bride' with ISBN 9780385335836 and ISBN 0385335830.