Ask a Ninja Presents The Ninja Handbook

Chapter 1 The Ninja The Best Humanity Has to Offer The Killing Begins Who the heck do you think you are? Seriously. Do you have any idea what it's like to be a ninja? Unless you're a ninja the answer is no. Got it? Welcome to the International Order of Ninjas, a tradition of death. Right now, unless you are rereading this book for nostalgia, you are a non--ninja with great aspirations toward all things ninja. You are excited about diving in and attacking the path of the ninja with the vigor of the untrustworthy crion.* Depending on how long you remain living or livingish, you will gradually work your way from nothing to nonja, ninjaish, ninjalike, Whoooooooo, and finally I.T.A.N. (Is That a Ninja), the highest level of ninjaness any non--ninja can hope to achieve. Should you reach the exalted status of I.T.A.N. and wish to progress further, the skills and general knowledge contained later in the book can be used in your attempt to become a fully authorized, I.O.N.--endorsed, full--time ninja. But, as they say, let's not count our dragon eggs before they poison our crion soup. Along your path, you will run and jump and dive out of the way. You will test parts of your person that you do not yet know are parts of your person. Ever heard of your "huh"? Exactly. You have one, and very soon you will be using it like crazy, unless you want your nickname to be Ol' Splatter Guts. As you move along the ninja path, this book will act not only as a guide, but also as a friend_._._._a very very dangerous friend that you would never turn your back on. THE NINJA PATH promises great pain beyond your current conceivable definition. You will study your will up close and learn how threshold is a sliding scale of sanity. THE NINJA PATH promises skills and the masters to help you master those skills. Skills that if you do not master will most likely lead to a maimed or dead you. Masters who if you do not master the skills they teach will most likely maim or dead you. THE NINJA PATH promises chance. If we go any further into this at this time, it would negate the very nature of the chance the ninja path promises. THE NINJA PATH promises death. We were gonna say near--certain death, but why sugarcoat it. Knowing that death is imminent will constantly keep you on your toes. Toes that may very well bring upon the very death you are promised. A promise you will never call us on keeping unless you are an idiot, in which case we'll hop on that promise like ineffectual environmentalism on suburbia. THE NINJA PATH promises experiences. Some that will cause even your knees to crack open and vomit. Some that you will wish you could give back or grow back. Some that you actually can give back, grow back, or at least swap with an akuma* in the altered state of beans. While pursuing the ninja path, it is good to keep in mind a bit of advice, advice that we ninjas like to call serious threats: If you blibber--blab about your enlightenment and techniques, we will kill you. If you participate in a major motion picture in which the secrets of the ninja are explained and demonstrated within a wacky plot that involves a distant father and a child with extremely dated hair, we will kill you. If you dress up like a ninja every day and/or start an online show where you dole out "ninja answers," we will kill you and/or syndicate you. Remember, but never speak, the words of the nameless ninja from www.askaninja.com, "Ninjas don't kill people_._._._ninjas kill people very very well." For your journey, this book will be your guide. We suggest fashioning some sort of clip device to keep this book in front of you at all times. You will absolutely never know when you are going to need its wisdom. Aside from this book, you may want to start a den of ninjiquitSarine, Douglas is the author of 'Ask a Ninja Presents The Ninja Handbook' with ISBN 9780307405807 and ISBN 030740580X.