Alan King's Great Jewish Joke Book

THE JEWISH PSYCHE The jokes in this chapter create a kind of overview of some significant preoccupations that characterize "the Jewish psyche." We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiater....Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or "stage" Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke. Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom. If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something. So take off your "politically correct" hat and have a great time! *** Jewish telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow." *** The Law of Conservation of Jewish Behavior Among Reform Jews This Extremely Reform Jewish principle, adapted from Newtonian physics, provides that "for each and every Jewish act, there is an equal and opposite non-Jewish act." Thus, if you do a small kindness for someone less fortunate than you, you are permitted to eat a shrimp cocktail. If you visit a sick person in the hospital, you may spend the Sabbath at a restricted country club. *** When two Jews argue they will have at least three opinions. *** Three men were staggering through the desert. The first, a Frenchman, exclaimed, "I'm so hot, I'm so thirsty, I must have wine!" The second, an Italian, shouted, "I am very hot, I am very thirsty, I must have wine!" The third, a Jew, cried out, "I am so hot, I am so thirsty, I must have...diabetes!" *** Yaakov was walking on the beach and noticed an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it. A genie suddenly came out of the bottle and said, "Gee thanks, Yaakov! I'm the Jewish Genie! I've been locked in this bottle for over two hundred years! Because you have released me I'll grant you three wishes. However, I have to warn you that what you get, your lawyer will get double." Yaakov thought for a while, then said, "For my first wish, I'd like one hundred million gold coins." The genie said, "Okay, but remember, your lawyer will get two hundred million gold coins." Yaakov said, "That's okay." Then the genie granted Yaakov's wish. Poof! There, right in front of him, was a hundred million gold coins. Then Yaakov said, "For my second wish, I would like a fifty-acre ranch on the French Riviera with a thirty-room home overlooking the bluffs into the ocean." The genie said, "Okay, but remember, your lawyer will be next door with twice the acreage and in a house twice as large and he likes to party twenty-four hours a day." Yaakov said, "I think I can live with that." Then the genie granted Yaakov's wish. Poof! There he was, on the French Riviera, and next door was his attorney just as the genie had said. So the genie said, "For your third wish you'd better think long and hard." After thinking it over, Yaakov said, "Could you please scare me half to death?" *** A flood worse than the days of Noah was foretold. Nothing could be done to prevent it; in just three days, the waters would wipe out the entire world. The leader of Buddhism appeared on TV and pleaded with everyone to become a Buddhist; that way, they will at least find salvation in heaven. The pope went on TV with a similar message: "It is still not too late to accept Jesus as your savior," he said. The chief rabbi of Israel took a slightly different approach: "We have three days," he said, "to learn how to live under water." *** A resident pediatrican was making his rounds in the ward, trailed by six interns. "Sickle cell anemia may be foKing, Alan is the author of 'Alan King's Great Jewish Joke Book', published 2002 under ISBN 9780609609248 and ISBN 0609609246.